Van Tango

Bart: Can I speak to Amanda Hugankiss?
Moe: Amanda Hugankiss! I'm looking for Amanda Hugankiss. Oh, why can't I find Amanda Hugankiss?
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high.
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Now I feel like writing about dance music...In the early 90s I started to discover new sounds...KLF and C&C Music Factory somehow brought a new concept. Then as the years go by, bands like Culture Beat, Real McCoy, La Bouche and 2Unlimited produced nice beats that slowly influenced others to join the hype.

Three artistes which I classify in the same category are Chemical Brothers, Fat Boy Slim & Prodigy. They incorporate nice cool funky beats that don't follow the trend or same old cliche patterns. Songs like Block Rockin Beats, Firestarter and Gangsta Trippin personifies a new dirty funk kinda techno.

When the new millenium came, Faithless, ATB, Floorfilla, Fragma, Gigi D'Agostino arrived. All of them are very cool in their own special way. Paul Van Dyk impressed me the most with his trance sounds that are so heavenly whilst Darude's "Sandstorm" is one heck of a jaw dropping track. Lasgo, Oceanlab, Espresso, Groove Coverage and Alice Deejay also stood up and conquered the airwaves. Quite impressive I might add.

At the present moment the likes of Tiesto, Reflekt, Angel City and Rimini Project are mixing it in with the big boys of dance music. All these were started by the most memorable line of them all "Everybody Dance Now!!"....

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1st episode of "Superstar Idol" recap

Welcome to our new Idol show to find the most ORIGINAL singer/songwriter.

The three judges for the Superstar Idol are: Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul & Simon Cowell. First on the list is a gentleman by the name of Ronan....last name Keating. He belts out one song he penned himself called "When You Say Nothing At All".

Simon : Ok...Randy what do you say?
Randy : Yo maaaan, Ronan eh, you one good looking dude.
Ronan: Thank you very much sir.
Randy : Ya see daaawg, you've got one great voice there...kinda stiff but it sound good. I give you props!! Paula what do you think?
Paula : Oh Ronan Ronan. How I wish I was young again *smiles shyly*. You know what, you've got such a lovely voice that I'm gonna say '100% Yes'.
Simon : Alrite Paaul-laah. Calm down.. Ronan!
Ronan : Yes?
Simon : I hate you so much coz you are much better looking than I am that I wish I was gay and...
*Cut off by Randy*
Randy : I thought you are??
Simon : Shut ya trap, fatso. I WAS gay but now I'm perfectly straight. Alrite, Ronan. That was brilliant. See you in Hollywood.
Ronan : Thank you very much guys!!! Thank you!

Next in line is one lady by the name of Mariah Carey.

*Simon & Randy's eyes grew larger*
Randy : So..Ma-ri-ah Caaa-reeey. You look great..what would you be singing today?
Mariah : One Sweet Day.
Randy : Alrite, carry on.
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Simon : Ok, so Mariah...you happened to know that Carey sounds a lot like 'Curry'.
Mariah : What?
Simon : It's a traditional Indian dish. Maybe there is a relationship between your name and the dish. Both are hot, spicy and nice to li..
Paula : Simon!!!
Simon : Yeees?????
Paula : Keep your bloody opinions to yourself.
Simon : Alright deary. Sorry about that Mariah.
Mariah : It's ok.
Randy : Hmm...I think that was just aiii-ght... You seem to wail a lot when you sing but it's just aiiii-ght for me.
Paula : Mariah you're such a pretty woman. By the way, what do you do for a living?
Mariah : Hmm...I work at a bar.
Simon : WHICH ONE????
Paula : SIMON STOP IT!!
Simon : Yes, dear.
Paula : Mariah, I think you were born to sing. That was a wonderful song you've wrote and sang. You've got my vote.
Mariah : *coming to tears*...Thank you.
Simon : Ok sweety don't cry. Just tell me the name of your bar and I'll comfort you ton....
Randy & Paula : SIIIMON!!
Simon : You're through to the next round!
Mariah : I...I...love you guys so much....*burst into tears and went off*

Next up is one young lady by the name of Ashlee..Simpson.

Ashlee : Hi you guys!! I'm so happy to be here to audition for this competition and I would like to thank all my friends who told me that they believed I'm going to be a big, big star someday. Oh my gosh, I think I might never be living in the shadow of my mean big sister again who likes to whine and complain and can't even differentiate between chicken & fish!!! Can you guys believe it?? Maaan, you got to see what she...
Simon : Alright, alright...that would be enough. Why do you think you can be the next Superstar Idol?
Ashlee : Because I'm cool, spunky, nice figure and most importantly..I CAN SING!!
Simon : You're sure?
Ashlee : Yes I am.
Paula : Alrite Ashlee sweety, what is the song that you wrote and going to sing for us today?
Ashlee : This is something you guys are gonna enjoy and ask for more!!
Randy : Yo... this chick got a lot of confidence I must say.
Ashleee : Why, thank yeeeew handsome!
Simon : Someone give me bucket. I'm feeling nauseous now..
Paula : Let's not waste any time. Show us what you got, Ashlee.
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Randy : Wow! That was hot maaan. You're in the dawwwg pound now. But then you're a woman..so you belong to the bit...
Paula : Hey stop it. I'm very disappointed in both of you. Don't make me angry again. I'm not gonna tolerate any more nonsense today.
Randy : Alrite alrite, chill babe.
Paula : Ashlee...you have a lot of charisma, you bring joy to me when you sing.....you rock, gaaal!!
Simon : Both of you should wash your ears out. That. was. heee-dious. What in hell are you trying to sing...monday,tuesday, wednesday???
Randy : Maan, Simon.. don't be an ass. Give her credit for her voice...not the wooo-eeer-eer-rds?
Ashlee : Yeah, come on Si-mmooooooooon.
Simon : Hmm, since you sound so slutty in that last statement, I'm gonna give you a chance. See you in Hollywood.
Ashlee : Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!
*somersaults out to the door*

Next up is one weird looking guy who wants to be known only as "Shaggy".

Shaggy : Hah-low peeps. Heeey big momma!! Mr Lo-vah Lo-vah is here to save the day!
Paula : Aaaaaaawww...nice accent you've got there.
Shaggy : You can listen to it for as long as you want if you wanna be me angel, baby.
Randy : Hey little man don't you come and make trouble here daaawgg!
Shaggy : You...wuz ya name teletubbie?
*Simon, Paula and some crew members restrained a pumped up Randy who looks like he's gonna attack Shaggy*
Simon : Alrite calm down there. So Mr Shaggy, what are you gonna sing for us?
Shaggy : Yo, Simon dude, me gonna sing this new thing called "Mr Boombastic".
Simon : Ok, go for it.
*Paula was salivating whilst watching the audition, Randy looks like he's gonna murder someone & Simon had a big question mark on his head*
Paula : Oh, I didn't know you could dance so well too.
Shaggy : I can teach you some moves...and more.
Simon : Alright cut the crap. Are you really interested and serious about this competition?
Shaggy : Yo mon, what yo prob...me no pick on you and you come on hitting on me.
Paula : Oh, Simon..don't be jealous will you?
Simon : You've got to be kidding me....Randy you have been quiet for a long time. Any comments to make?
Randy : This *beeep* guy is wasting our *beep* *beeep* *beeep* time.
Simon : I'll take that as a "No". Paula?
Paula : Oh yes baby. He makes me sweat and blows me off with his singing and moves. *wink*
Shaggy : I knew I could count on you, big momma.
Simon : Now the decision rests on me. I have absolutely no idea what you are singing. You're hairstyle sucks. You come here and tried to seduce Paula who must be day-dreaming now about dancing with you all alone together. Go and join the Baha Men crew. You're not cut out for this competition.
Shaggy : *looking disappointed* Yo mon. It's your loss. And Paula, stay hot and sexy ok? Blame these two bozos for not putting me through. Ta ta! *Jamaican dance-d his way out to the exit*
Paula : I'm depressed now.
Randy : I feel like dancing now!!.

Next up is one punk looking girl by the name of Kelly Osbourne.

Randy : Well, hello there!
Kelly : Hi you all...I'm so nervous.
Simon : Don't be. We're nice people.
Paula : What is your song title that you wrote?
Kelly : It's a very nice song called "Mama Don't Preach".
Paula : That sounds very familiar.
Kelly : Maybe..but I assure you I wrote the words to it myself. Can I start now?
All three judges : Go on.
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*Randy covered his eyes ; Paula looks very sad & Simon squeezed in two tissues into his ears*
Simon : I'm sorry. It's over?
Kelly : Yahhh...
Paula : Oh Kelly dear...you should stick to your books.
Randy : I don't want to be mean..but that was awful. Sorry.
Simon : Do you want to hear my opinion?
Kelly : I...guess..sooo..
Simon : That is equivalent to seeing Randy naked unexpectedly in a room. I am sure you can be a great guitarist or a drummer. But singing is a big no-no for you.
Kelly : *Sniff...sniff* But my mommy and daddy told me my voice sounds like a young Madonna...
Simon : Nah...they are trying to cheer you up so that you won't commit suicide or become demented. Now run along little girl. Don't waste our time.
Kelly : I HATE YOU GUYS!!! Just because I look beautiful doesn't mean I can't sing!!!! One day I will be a star. Just you wait...Hey, why are these people pushing me out of here?? Help!!

Randy : Phew. That's a tough one.
Simon & Paula : You are daaaamn right.

Last and not least is an unshaven dude called Brian Mcfadden.

Brian : What's going on guys?
Paula : Heeey, it states here that you're Irish.
Brian : Yes ma'am.
Simon : *Sigh* Here we go again.
Paula : So what's the song gonna be?
Brian : It's something called "Real To Me". I have been waiting for a long time to sing this and furthermore on TV. You won't regret it.
Randy : Well...you sounded very sure about this.
Brian : Hell yeah, I am.
Simon : Why did you join this competition, Brian?
Brian : To bring joy. To bring joy to this world. To bring smiles on the faces of people all around the world. For all the seasons in the sun. I will lay my love on everyone. Especially to my dear girl, Mandy. Mandy(looking at the camera), when I win this competition, both of us will be flying without wings. And I'm not gonna be fool-ed again. You are the queen of my heart, my uptown girl, my...
Simon : Bloody hell, you think you owned this show?
Brian : Sorry your majesty.
Simon : You are forgiven, son.
Paula : Nice stubble there. Reminds me of my old flame, Richard Marx.
Randy : That 'has-been' you mean?
Paula : Shut up Randy!
Simon : Ok, Brian. Show us what you're made of.
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Randy : Wow. That was hot, dawwwg. Although I don't like the utter cockiness vibes that you are projecting, but your voice is top notch. Well done.
Brian : Cool.
Paula : I hate your attitude. You seem to show that you are some god-ly figure to be worshipped by the world. Never thought it would come to this. You left me in tatters, Brian. *shakes head*
Brian : *Sneers*
Simon : You need a good tight slap, do you know that?
Brian : What?
Simon : You come in here and pretend to be someone with a lot of potential but in actual fact you have wasted everyone's time.
Randy : I'm surprised that you two hated him so much. That's weird. Brian, don't worry. Mandy will know that you have done your best. But then you'll always be my dawwg....*wink*
Brian : (Terrified by Randy's behaviour). Ohhh...wooohkay.
Randy : Come on. My name sounds very close to your gal right? Whaddaya say? *winks again*
Simon : Alright, since Randy spilled the beans first. I'm gonna tell you now. Brian. Are you gay?
Paula : Ohh..you guys. You're making this poor boy shiver in fear now.
Brian : I...I...am I dreaming....*Agitated looks*
Randy : Yo, dawwg...will you be my special dawwg?
Simon : Yes Brian. For your info, I might just not be straight again..All because of you...
(Brian made a very quick dash out of the room and screamed from the top of his lungs)
Brian : Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

Simon & Randy looked at each other and smiled. Paula asked the mighty question.







"The oooold become-a-gay-to-scare-stuck-up-losers trick, huh?".

*All three judges guffaw along with the crew in the room*